Twitits
by Epic Breadstick
Summary: Edward leaves Bella. So...now what? Parody.


_Disclaimer : I don't own Twilight. I don't even like Twilight. In no way am I a fan. Hence: this story. Eh, I could write more maybe.  
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"Bella, we're leaving." Edward said solemnly, looking down at me. We stood in the middle of the forest. Why he took me all the way out here for absolutely no reason was a mystery. But then again, all couples took romantic walks in a cold, dark, wet forest and all couples have a special muddy meadow dedicated to each other.

"Okay," I shrugged. I never liked Forks anyways. I was only staying, partly because of Edward, but mostly because I was a masochistic drama queen who'd rather suffer and have a back story than live happily and in sunshine with my mother and step dad: who'd rarely be around, meaning I'd constantly have the house to myself. But, since I was so much more mature and deep and intense than others my age, I preferred rain and emotional suffering. "What should I tell Charlie?"

Edward's expression didn't change. Sometime's I compared him to that Greek god, but that was mainly because most of the time I literally thought he was stone. But his total lack of emotion was so beautiful I sometimes couldn't help the drool dripping from between my gofer teeth and down my chin.

And then it sunk in. "When you say 'we'…"

"I mean my family and I." He finished my statement for me. From his pocket he whipped out a bottle of style-holding hair spray, applying it to his Elvis-do, using my watery eyes as a reflection.

"You don't want me?" I asked, my voice increasing in pitch.

Edwards lip twitched. I swore he almost smiled. "No, I don't." He said, sliding the hair spray back into his suit jacket.

"B-b-b-b-b-ut w-w-w-hy?!" I demanded, beginning to stutter. That always happened whenever I got sad, anxious, happy, excited, entertained, etc…My head will start shaking slightly, I begin blinking rapidly, constantly biting or licking my lips, and I always, always run my hands through my hair. Because it looks so much better when it's greased up and messy.

"You just…you just don't belong in my world, Bella. You know, gorgeous, graceful, humanitarian, vegetarian, sparkling vampires…"

"What happened with Jasper was nothing! I can't help it my blood is as unique as my personality, that every vampire and human pines for me, though I question it because in my eyes I am plain and unwantable!" I stomped my boots. Because every teenager wears hiking boots for no reason. Well, mature ones do. Like me.

"Nothing compared to what could have happened!" He retorted. "Jeez, Bella, did you see that paper cut you got? Did you see how deadly that was?!"

"But, Edward…When you got involved with me, you knew the risks…What changed?" I wondered, tears rolling down my constantly flushed cheeks. I had an above average blood flow to my face.

Edward shrugged. "I don't know. I guess I hit puberty. I've changed." He tore open the front of his button down shirt. "See?! Two whole chest hairs. Those weren't there a couple weeks ago. I'm becoming a man, Bella. And I have needs."

"Edward, I know my blood is irresistible and every time we get close it hurts…but our love can overcome it!"

"Don't flatter yourself, sweetie." Edward mumbled, buttoning up his jacket.

"P-p-p-please don't leave me…" I begged desperately, falling to my knees before him. "I need you! Our love is so much stronger than anybody else's in the history of the world! Do you know what will happen if you leave? I'll start seeing you, I'll start hearing you, I'll scream myself awake every night from nightmares about you!"

"Wow, that is really not normal…you should seek help about that…I mean, I know you love me, but, seriously? Hearing my voice? What the hell?"

"I belong with you! No matter what you say, I know you still love me! I know you're only lying to protect me! It's okay, Edward! We can protect each other through our impenetrable shield of love!" I wrapped my self around him, straddling his right leg.

Edward shook his leg violently, in a futile attempt to get me off of him. "No…just, no…Do you ever get tired of believing everybody wants you? You're really not that hot. And you dress like my grandma back in the 1800's. And look at this…" Edward grabbed a strand of my hair. "It's called shampoo! You can borrow my Herbal Essences if you want, I'm willing to give it up for a good cause…"

Edward pulled me, stuttering and twitching, to my feet. "I'm leaving, Bella. No matter what you say."

I kept my eyes on the floor. "Okay. I know you will always love me…I will wait for you…"

Edward's hands dropped from my shoulders and he groaned in exasperation. "Oh my freakin' God! I don't want – Oh, just forget it. Alright. Whatever. Yeah, I'll always love you, I'll never forget you, this is just to protect you, yadda yadda…"

I grabbed his hands. "I promise not to do anything reckless. And if I do, it will only to see your apparition…"

Edward kissed my forehead. "Goodbye, Bella. It will be as if I never existed. Well, that was a lie. I mean, honestly, who can forget this face?" And began walking away. "Oh," he said, suddenly remembering something, and turned around. "Since we're done…could I have my Nickelback CD? Oh, and my bottle of gel? I seemed to have forgotten those at your house…"

I shrugged. "Sure."

"Okay." He said, serious again. "Goodbye forever, Bella."

He managed to get a few feet away. "Edward?"

He turned around, annoyed. "…what?"

"You're leaving me in the woods?"

Edward stuttered. "I – I am…But y-y'know, dramatic effect…" He began walking away again.

"Edward?"

"What?" He turned towards me again, bearing his teeth slightly.

"What about Victoria? Isn't she still trying to kill me?"

Edward scoffed. "_Please_, Bella. I went through high school a hundred times, memorized Romeo & Juliet and hold the meaning of the universe, of course I remember Victoria."

I stood there for a moment, confused. "…So, yeah…about that…"

Edward waved me off. "Relax, Bella. She – they won't – oh, you'll be fine."He turned his back to me once more.

"Edward?"

"WHAT?!" He swiveled towards me. "What – do – you – want?"

"You…sparkle." I stated.

He nodded, confused. "Uh, yeah. I do. And I look freakin' amazing, by the way."

"That's kind of gay." I mumbled.

"What'd you say?"

"I said: you know what's not gay? Really long wigs. And bestiality. I think I'll go call Jacob. Goodbye, Edward. I'll see you in risky situations." I said, shoving past him.

Edward stared after me. When I was out of sight he jogged through the forest, searching desperately for me. "Bella? Bella?" He cried out. He forgot to ask me something. He forgot to ask me for Jacob's number. His designer shoes caught on a branch and he fell to the ground, curled up into a helpless little ball, and waited for Sam to find him.


End file.
